As a clinical psychologist, director of Group Therapy LA/NY and advisor at the UCLA PEERS Clinic, Dr. Cara Gardenswartz brings a distinctive voice to modern mental health care.
Daily social interactions rely on patterns we have come to recognize and expect over time. The ways people communicate, respond and connect are more complex than they appear. However, not all individuals experience or express these patterns in the same way. Familiar patterns create the illusion that all minds work the same way.
What we often interpret as social difficulty may stem from differences in how the world is experienced and understood. Developmental disabilities are best understood as a group of conditions that typically emerge during early development, though they may also result from factors such as injury or infection, and they impact daily functioning across the lifespan. These conditions influence behavior, learning, physical abilities, language, and social interaction. While there is often no single identifiable cause, research suggests that risk factors may include genetics, birth complications, exposure to environmental toxins, and parental health and habits during pregnancy. These differences also extend to communication and social interaction. Neurodivergent individuals often vary in their communication styles, which can influence how they are perceived by others. In children, behaviors such as echolalia, the repetition of words or phrases, can serve as a way to develop language and communication skills. Similarly, parallel play, where individuals engage in activities alongside others without direct interaction, reflects an alternative form of social engagement rather than a lack of interest. Communication may also be more literal and direct. This style allows for clearer understanding but may lead to humor or figurative language being overlooked. As a result, responses may come across as blunt, even though they are intended to be efficient and precise. These approaches often support focus, comprehension, and effective response. At times, social interaction may feel overwhelming, making it difficult to elaborate or respond in the moment. Individuals may also engage in detailed and extended conversations, often referred to as “information dumping,” as a way of expressing strong interests, navigating social interaction, or building connections. Nonverbal behaviors can also differ, with variations in eye contact and personal space depending on comfort and sensory experience. Similarly, physical proximity may vary, with individuals moving closer to show engagement or creating space when feeling anxious or overstimulated. The challenge, then, lies not in the communication itself, but in how it is interpreted.
Many of the behaviors we refer to as “social” are not universal, but learned expectations shaped by culture and environment. Social learning theory, developed by Albert Bandura, helps explain how these behaviors form. Emerging in early childhood, this theory suggests that individuals learn by observing others, retaining information, and imitating behaviors that are reinforced or rewarded. Over time, these learned patterns guide how we navigate everyday interactions. As a result, social norms often influence how we speak, behave, and present ourselves, though they may vary depending on context. Nonverbal cues such as body language, gestures, posture, tone, and eye contact are among the most common ways individuals express engagement, distance, confidence, intimacy, or discomfort in social settings. When these “invisible” social rules that structure comfort, order, trust, and connection are violated, individuals may be negatively perceived as less trustworthy, socially incompetent, or even hostile. As a result, social behavior is often judged against a standard that does not account for individual differences in communication and experience.
What we observe in social behavior does not always reflect what an individual intends or experiences. Neurotypical individuals often position what they perceive as “normal” behavior as the standard, using it to evaluate and interpret neurodivergent behaviors. This narrow framework fails to account for the ways neurodivergence shapes communication and interaction, often resulting in misinterpretations, social exclusion, and restricted social inclusion. Avoiding eye contact or remaining silent does not indicate a lack of interest or disregard; for many neurodivergent individuals, these behaviors serve as protective mechanisms that help prevent sensory overload, support emotional regulation, and allow time to process information. Similarly, direct or blunt communication is not a sign of rudeness, but rather a preference for clarity, honesty, and efficiency. Although these behaviors may be misinterpreted, perception does not always reflect reality. Research consistently challenges these assumptions, emphasizing the need for greater awareness. Furthermore, research shows that individuals with intellectual disabilities often face greater difficulty forming and maintaining friendships, with relationships sometimes lacking the warmth and reciprocity seen among neurotypical individuals. Challenging behaviors are also significantly more common among individuals with co-occurring autism spectrum disorder and intellectual disability, occurring at rates up to 4 times higher (Jacob et al., 2022). These findings further highlight how easily behavior can be misunderstood when viewed through a limited lens of interpretation. Rather than reacting defensively, it is essential to approach these differences with understanding and a willingness to learn about diverse forms of social interaction. When we shift our focus from judgment to understanding, behavior becomes clearer and connection becomes possible.
If social behavior is often misunderstood, then meaningful connection depends on our willingness to rethink how we engage with others. Over 61 million Americans live with a disability, representing approximately 1 in 4 individuals, highlighting the urgent need for meaningful change. Creating more inclusive connections begins with intentional change. By adopting a universal design approach, products and services can be structured to be more accessible, effective and accommodating, reducing barriers and easing everyday stress. Choosing person-first language, such as “person with a disability” rather than “disabled” or “handicapped person,” reflects a more respectful and human-centered approach to communication. Progress begins with intentional changes in how schools and workplaces communicate and support individuals with disabilities. Clear, thoughtful communication, along with accessible tools and inclusive spaces, allows individuals to feel comfortable and collaborate effectively with their peers, fostering meaningful social connections. Hosting events or inviting speakers who advocate for people with disabilities can further raise awareness and help normalize diverse experiences. At home, families serve as a foundation of support. By creating a safe and encouraging environment, they can help individuals with disabilities explore the world, better understand their experiences, and develop social skills at a pace that feels comfortable and empowering. Collectively, these approaches highlight that meaningful inclusion is achieved through consistent, intentional efforts across social, educational, and personal environments.
Connection is not about sameness, but about understanding.
References:
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9513363/#s4
https://www.cdc.gov/disability-inclusion/strategies/index.html
https://www.cho7cdnt.ie/support/universal/understanding-different-communication-styles/
https://www2.hse.ie/babies-children/disabilities/communication/communication-neurodivergent/
https://www.perkins.org/9-simple-ways-to-foster-disability-inclusion-at-work-school-and-at-home/
https://www.cdc.gov/disability-and-health/articles-documents/communicating-with-and-about-people-with-disabilities.html
https://www.cdc.gov/child-development/about/developmental-disability-basics.html#:~:text=Developmental%20disabilities%20are%20a%20group%20of%20conditions,*%20Fragile%20X%20syndrome%20*%20Tourette%20syndrome
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