Rebuilding Trust: “Healing from Betrayal: Steps to Rebuild Trust”

Why do people betray?

Relationship betrayal occurs when a person breaks the unwritten contract of respect, honesty, and dependability between themselves and their significant other. It can stem from dissatisfaction in a partnership, a lack of intimacy, feelings of insecurity, or a desire for automacy. In fact, research shows that some of the most common motivating factors that lead to an act of betrayal include anger with one’s partner, a desire for more intimacy or love than offered, a wish for more independence, and situational factors that compromise decision making. Whatever the reason for betrayal, the effects it has on both the person being betrayed and the relationship can be incredibly damaging.

What is the Aftermath of Betrayal on the Individual?

Betrayal can activate a trauma response in our body, leading to emotional numbness, physical health problems, and mental health effects. This can lead to a higher propensity for getting sick, bodily exhaustion, and emotional burnout. In fact, research has shown that individuals who have been betrayed were more likely to report anxiety and depressive symptoms, have difficulty concentrating, suffer from insomnia, and experience somatic symptoms relating to the relationship trauma. Moreover, women who have experienced the threat of an extramarital affair had a sixfold increase in the likelihood of suffering from a major depressive episode.

What are the Steps to Rebuilding Trust?

1. Prevent it before it happens
   Couples can prevent relationship betrayal through protective measures. Factors that support monogamy as backed by research include: maintaining a healthy level of intimacy, establishing boundaries with one another, building a secure relational attachment, and communicating openly with one another. Asking for support is another option. Couples therapy has been shown effective in over 70% of cases.
2. Identify barriers
   Past relationship trauma or anxious and avoidant attachment styles can play a role in predicting the likelihood of infidelity. Acknowledging that one’s own past experiences may affect the current relationship allows partners to be vulnerable and work towards a lasting future together, without negating the past.
3. Accept Responsibility and Change Behavior
   When a person betrays their partner’s trust, the first step in reconciliation is owning up to their mistake. Acknowledge the harmful action and its effects on the other person. After they have validated their partner’s feelings, specific behaviors such as improved communication, setting boundaries, or seeking therapy should be taken to show a commitment to change.
4. Grive, Space, and Self Compassion
   For the person who was betrayed, feeling the rush of emotions and giving yourself space to process them is important. After you have had time to reflect and gain clarity, incorporating self-care daily should be a priority. Some examples may include physical activity, getting coffee or dinner with friends, getting enough sleep, or watching your comfort show on TV.

Moving Forward

If both parties are willing to reconcile the relationship, forgiveness can be a powerful tool. Continued efforts to change behavior and improved communication are key to rebuilding trust. Afterall, a lasting relationship cannot survive without trust. “Whether a friendship, family relationship, or business or personal partnership, any bond is built on trust. Without trust, you have nothing.”